Materia Mountain
by MakoRain
Summary: A nice little parady that is rather entertaining, if I do say so myself. What happens when three of our favorite FFVII characters decide to go on an adventure? yeah, an adventure, Cloud


A/N: I recommend watching Charlie the Unicorn's Adventure to Candy Mountain on (search Charlie the Unicorn) to get the full understanding of this fic since it is a parody of that. If you don't, it's still funny on its own so no real lose, it's just great to compare to the original.

Disclaimer: I do not own Charlie the unicorn or anything FFVII (cries)

"**The Adventure to Materia Mountain"**

**By MakoRain**

Cloud was asleep peacefully in his bed, dreaming of a certain dark haired bartender when his best friend's voice drifted through his mind.

"Hey Cloud, hey Cloud, wake up."

Cloud rolled over, trying to evade the clearly masculine voice trying to pester him out of his dream land. He had just told her something…

"Yeah Cloud, you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

Tifa? Cloud opened his eyes slowly, letting the blurry images before him fully materialize by blinking again slowly.

"Hmm?" Cloud yawned loudly before stretching himself out on the bed, not moving to leave its comfort just yet. "I'm trying to sleep…is the Planet under attack…again?"

Cloud watched as Zack laughed good-naturedly before making an attempt to grab his less than enthusiastic friend. "No, Cloud, we're not going to die, if that's what you mean. Why does everything have to be so dreadful with you?"

Cloud eyed his friend suspiciously while dodging his efforts; ready to defend himself but Zack breezed on past it, saying this rhetorical question more to himself than the others anyway. "But it is important, Cloud."

Tifa, no longer able to contain her excitement, jumped in. "We found a map….a map to MATERIA MOUNTAIN!" she practically squealed, testing Cloud's hearing limits of high pitches for the day. From his place sitting on the side of his bed, Cloud blinked before calmly uttering, "Well then, go find Yuffie and…"

He was cut off when Tifa bounced onto his bed, jumping around anxiously. "No Cloud, we need it to save the Planet!"

"But I thought the Planet was not in danger?" Cloud eyed Zack before getting the surprise of Zack jumping onto his bed as well. "This is for future resources, Cloud. You have to come with us to Materia Mountain. We're going on an adventure Cloud…an adventure!"

"Yeah, Cloud, an adventure! And we can't go on an adventure without you so wake up!" She punctuated these last two words with jarring nudges that had Cloud on the floor.

"Guys! Zack…stop bouncing on me." Cloud didn't so much to Tifa bouncing on him, since he had the pleasurable view of her…um…assets moving around but that was soon cut short when he flew off the bed.

Zack stopped bouncing to eye his friend wearily. Why was it that Cloud could never keep his head on straight while Tifa was around? Zack glanced over at Tifa who was bending over the side of the bed, trying to see if Cloud was alright and showing a considerable amount of cleavage in the process. Well, that explained it, Zack thought, looking from Cloud's smiling face up to Tifa's laughing one; way to go Cloud.

Tifa pretended to be oblivious to Cloud's objections as she continued to try and sway him…he would cave eventually, he always did.

What was this sudden obsession with Materia Mountain anyway? Didn't his friends know it was just a myth? Zack and Tifa got off the bed, Tifa looked down at Cloud and gave him a hand up. Not letting go, she pulled him along as Zack lead the way with an joyful "The adventure begins!"

"Um, guys…I'm not dressed yet." He pointed at his bare chest with his free hand since Tifa held fast to the other.

"So?" she commented before reluctantly going back with him to his room for a shirt…honestly, she didn't know why he needed it, men could not wear shirts perfectly well. Why cover up that sculpted loveliness? Cloud stopped suddenly, opening his closet to find a shirt and tried to make Tifa loosen his hand but to no avail.

"Tifa, I need my other hand to get dressed." Cloud said, looking down from her hand to his and back at the shirt.

"Or I can just help." She answered, taking the shirt off the hanger and placing the hole over his head, waiting for his right arm to go through its appropriate opening…but Cloud just stood there, not moving.

"What? You are the one who insisted on wearing a shirt…this is the only way that's gonna happen so put it on!"

Startled by Tifa's demanding voice, a voice she only used when running out of patience with him mostly; he put his arm through the hole and waited to see how Tifa would accomplish the task of his other arm, considering she was still holding that hand.

Tifa looked at the arm she was in possession of at the moment and debated her options. She could a) relinquish said hand but that would leave an opening for him to escape b) put her hand through as well which would leave her included in his shirt (not such a bad thing) or c) let go of his hand quickly and thread his hand through the arm opening before clasping said hand before he could escape. Tempted between b) and c) Tifa logically chose c) not letting her adoration of Cloud cloud her judgment…mostly.

"Now let's go to Materia Mountain!" Both of his friends chorused, receiving a less than exuberant response of "yeah, Materia Mountain" from Cloud.

Zack led the way on a path unbeknownst to Cloud from Seventh Heaven to somewhere leading into the mountains…at least that's what it looked like from Cloud's view. It was hard to concentrate with his friends attempt at singing ringing in his ears.

"My name is Cloud…I have a sword…" Zack started off, letting Tifa lead the song for a bit.

"I fight cactuars…because I'm bored!"

"I'm going to kill whoever taught you that song." Cloud grumbled before a bouncing Tifa was at his side.

"But Cloud! It's such a cute song!"

"And very truthful." Zack threw over his shoulder from the front of the group.

"I do not fight because I'm bored." Cloud said dignified. At the blank looks from his companions, he corrected this statement. "Well…only dangerous creatures."

"Like cactuars?" Tifa asked with mock innocence, knowing full well that cactuars were not very fearsome monsters or anything.

Zack thankfully stopped this line of discussion when he suddenly halted, making Cloud and Tifa run into him for the hell of it it seemed.

"Our stop is over there, Cloud." Tifa pointed excitedly and Cloud followed her finger to find ….

"My God, is that…that can't be…"

"It's the giant Chocobo that guards these lands, Cloud." Zack calmly explained, bowing before the great bird.

"The magical hoard guard Chocobo." Tifa added in awe before bowing as well.

"He will tell us the way." Zack said, and the Great Chocobo confirmed this with a nod of his head.

"The way to Materia Mountain…." Tifa ended for him, in that mysteriously elongated way they said most things lately.

Cloud looked between his two friends, his two best friends. The two people who had been with him through thick and thin, seen him at his best and worst…they'd been there for everything. Tifa, always the logical one and Zack full of tactics and strategies to defeat the enemies. Looking at them now, bowing to a gargantuan golden bird was ridiculous. He had to stop this madness now, it had gone on for too long.

"Have you two lost your mind? There's no such thing as Materia Mountain, and that chocobo can't talk!" Cloud exclaimed, breathing heavily from his sudden outburst.

Zack and Tifa both gasped sharply, stunned at Cloud's blasphemy.

"Cloud, how can you say that?" Tifa inquired with widened eyes, then lowered her voice. "He's standing right there."

"There is a Materia Mountain, Cloud, you just have to believe. Shun the nonbeliever." Zack muttered, his words bothered Cloud and he looked and asked his friend "What did you just say?"

Tifa seemed to agree with this and after sharing a look with Zack, she nodded her head and said, "Shun."

Cloud blinked, clearly not in on this conversation since he almost jumped when they both turned to him and said, "Shhhhuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn." like it meant something to him.

All the while, the Great Chocobo stood by, now openly glaring at Cloud's stupidity and non believing heart. He turned to Zack and Tifa to tell them the way to Materia Mountain. Cloud only heard squawks and clucks on his end, unable to speak Chocoboese as it were.

"It has spoken."

"It has told us the way!" Tifa squealed, punctuating her joy by clamping and jumping around the two boys, melodically singing a mix of "materia mountain' and part of the Cloud song.

"Guys, it didn't say anything!" Cloud said, anger turning into annoyance that they had apparently understood the great bird and he had not. He was the one who had raised the birds before, for Christ's sake! How could he not understand it? "How could you understand all that squawking!"

Tifa stopped dancing to blink at Cloud worriedly. "Wait…you didn't hear the Golden One's words? Is he not worthy?" This was directed to Zack, who looked forlornly from Tifa to Cloud. A quick discussion with the Almighty Chocobo confirmed what they all feared.

"You are not worthy, Cloud…let's go, Tifa"

"Okay!" Tifa replied and went on skipping after Zack.

"Wait a minute! You two aren't just going to leave me here, are you?" Cloud didn't want to panic, but he could feel it coming. His most trusted friends would not leave him here, abandoned and alone (Cloud eyed the chocobo wearily)….would they? Is that what a lifetime of friendship was worth to them, adding to Cloud's abandonment issues in the wilderness?

Zack threw over his shoulder, "You didn't even want to come in the first place!" before he looked to Tifa who was looking back at a stricken Cloud.

"But Zack, look at him. He's so cute and helpless."

Cloud knew he could always count on Tifa and so he hammed up the puppy dog eyes, making her giggle until she came back to him, before turning to Zack. "Yeah, Zack. I'm so cute and helpless." He said dead pan.

Zack, always the sucker for Cloud and Tifa happiness, muttered "That you are," before making a decision. "Alright, let me handle this." And with a look of determination, he strode back to the Great golden Chocobo. After making various gestures and clucking sounds with the giant bird, Zack returned to tell the couple of the good news, interrupting Tifa's cuddle time of comfort with Cloud.

"So, here's the deal. Cloud, you have to apologize to the Great Guardian Chocobo for one, not believing in him, two, not believing in Materia Mountain and three, for saying that he couldn't talk."

Cloud looked from Tifa to Zack, mildly horrified. "Is that all?" he snorted. Zack was not too pleased with Cloud's ignorance and smacked him upside the head. "You're lucky you even got that, you chocobo head." Zack then walked away, muttering "Ungrateful."

This coming as news to him, Cloud puts his hands to his head, feeling his hair. Tifa didn't help any when she came over and commented, "It's true, you do have hair that is like a chocobo." She punctuated this by ruffling his blond spikes, which he didn't mind until it attracted the attention of the Golden One, who affectionately nipped it back into shape.

"Awww, how sweet. The Golden one likes you, Cloud. Now just say you're sorry." Tifa said, poking him in the back to give him initiative. Cloud, who had never been able to really disobey her, said defeated and muttered, "Oh all right, I'm sorry."

Zack, who was always one for propriety walked over to Cloud to talk some sense into how this should work. "Address him and apologize fittingly, Cloud."

"You did hurt his feelings, Cloud." Tifa added on the guilt, and so Cloud rose to the occasion to deliver his apology appropriately.

"Oh great and powerful Hoard Guard Chocobo, I give you my sincerest apology for not believing in your glory, for denying the existence of the magnificent Materia Mountain, and for disregarding your feelings in saying that you are incapable of speaking the English language. I have been shown the errors of my ways and now ask for your forgiveness and offer my gratitude in allowing me the opportunity to continue on this journey."

As a finishing touch, Cloud held out his hands in a peace offering to the Golden One, and after a few moments, the Great Chocobo stood in front of him and Cloud tried not to flinch at the birds' yellow mass stood before him in all his radiant glory. After a few agonizing minutes, the Great Golden Chocobo bent down, bowing before going on to preen Cloud's hair once again, showing his approval and Cloud's worthiness.

"Is that a yes?" Cloud asked nervously, tempted to duck from the chocobo's beak but thinking better of it, considering he was still awaiting forgiveness from said all-powerful bird. At Tifa's cheerful nodding and clapping of joy from the sidelines while Zack looked at the Golden One to clear things up.

"You are forgiven. Now let's go. Onward, to Materia Mountain!" Zack announced, pointing the way and moving out. Tifa's squeal of "Yay!" was soon to follow while she grabbed Cloud's hand and started swinging it in time to her steps.

"My name is Cloud…I have a sword…I like to ride on chocobos, it's better than having afros." Tifa was ignorant to Cloud's unhappiness to her choice of music, and chose to not hear his audible "Grrr." In all of this confusion, Cloud ended up somehow following his fellow travelers onto a bridge, suspended over a raging river some distance below.

"It's just over this bridge, Cloud, this bridge that is held not so sturdily hundreds of feet above a raging river." Zack chimed in helpfully, still leading the party on their way over said dangerous bridge.

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder and joyness of materia that awaits us on the other side." Tifa chimed in, ever cheerful.

"Wait, how high of a bridge are we talking about here?" Cloud asked, nervously looking out over the edge as he was afraid of heights.

"Don't look down." Zack informed Cloud helpfully a little too late.

"Thanks for the advice," Cloud said sarcastically, gripping the ropes of the bridge after paling from the dizzying heights that he happened to look down into. Tifa saw that it was a rope bridge with wooden planks to walk across and so she got the bright idea to wiggle it a bit by jumping. "Come on, Cloud, let's run!" She cried between jumping up and down.

Cloud visibly blanched as he clutched to the rope railing for dear life. "Tifa, I beg you, please, don't do that!"

"Do what?" Tifa asked innocently, hopping along. "This?" She punctuated her question with more happy hopping along the bridge. Cloud slowly made his way over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders to stop her from bouncing anymore. "Yes, that."

"But it's so much fun!" Tifa squealed, breaking free of Clod to jump along the bridge some more.

"Oh no you don't." Cloud stated before getting hold of her once again and threw her giggling body over his shoulder, running past Zack along the bridge to stop the bouncing and resting her feet back on solid ground at the other side. She stood up laughing. "Cloud, that was so much fun! Let's do it again!"

"How about not." Cloud replied, his stern façade slipping at how happy she was despite her fun time being cut short on the bridge. But as Cloud got to thinking, maybe they had time for-

"No time. Let's move forward." Zack interrupted, always the voice of logic. So on they went, following a new trail displaying the sunny scenic route of the outdoors.

"Cloud….Cloud….Cloud….Cloud…" Tifa sang, skipping along between Zack and Cloud.

"Tifa, I'm right here, what do you want?" Cloud snapped, patience wearing thin.

"The sun is shining, Cloud!" she answered excitedly, pointing at the giant ball of flame in the sky.

Suddenly Zack came to a stop, Tifa and Cloud halting beside him to stare at the sight before them.

"We're here Cloud." Zack intoned, stating something that was obvious to Tifa.

"Well, what do you know? There really is a Materia Mountain." Cloud thought aloud more to himself than his comrades.

Tifa just had to add in a sing song voice, "Materia Mountain, Materia Mountain, you fill we with warm strengthening goodness."

"Go inside the Materia Mountain cave, Cloud." Zack said, prodding Cloud in the back as incentive.

"Yeah, Cloud, go inside the cave," Tifa agreed happily.

Cloud looked at the entrance to the cave, blocked with heavy iron doors that had a pulsing light flashing under the crack before slowly dissipating, not adding to his willingness to go into it. "No, that's okay…looks locked anyway."

Tifa walked up to the doors, knocking three times like the Great Chocobo instructed before the door opened before her, inviting them in. "Go inside Cloud, the cave has magical wonders that behold you when you enter."

"Unless you're scared," Zack said, nudging him in the arm. Threatening his bravery was always something that got to Cloud, and he didn't fail him now.

"I'm not afraid," Cloud said a little hurt, rubbing his arm in contemplation.

"I know you aren't, Cloud. You're always a hero to me. So go into the cave!" Tifa said in encouragement, kissing him quickly on the cheek before sending him in to the wonders that waited for him to behold.

"Yeah, okay, I'll go into the cave…need more materia anyway," Cloud reasoned, more to himself than his friends as he walked into the cave.

"Goodbye Cloud," Zack said before doing his casual wave.

"Yeah, Cloud, goodbye." Tifa waved as well and that was the last thing Cloud saw before he was enveloped in darkness.

"Goodbye, what? Hey guys, where'd you go? Where am I?" He was answered with a shuffling noise and a glint of silver hair before he was knocked out.

Cloud came to back in his bedroom in Seventh Heaven, his head pounding with migraine.

"Great, just great." He muttered, trying to move but getting a slice of pain up his side from the effort. Ignoring it, Cloud made it to his bureau's mirror and looked it, shocked at what he saw in his reflection.

"They cut my hair, damn it!" Cloud threw his arms up in frustration, again feeling that pain somewhere along his hip. Pulling the edge of his pants down slightly over his hip, catching the glimpse of a…tattoo? Yes, indeed it was a fresh tattoo of what appeared to be a small wolf in the style of his earring and on further inspection the initials T.L. could be seen.


End file.
